Did you know that every human being’s default setting is at ‘selfish’? That’s why it’s a huge deal when you meet someone that people consider selfless.
As Makcit, I’ve never thought I was a selfless human, but I was very sure I wasn’t selfish either. At least, not until I spoke to this new guy I met recently, the boyfriend material guy from my last post. You can job your memory here.
So, in one of our insightful conversations we went over why he didn’t answer a question I asked about his intentions towards me. He explained that it was a test (which I didn’t catch in time).
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So I asked what his intentions are/was (cheesy, I know), but he threw the question back to see if I would just damn the contrived consequences and be truthful (that was the test) rather than wait for him to get sentimental before checking if it’s safe to let my heart out.
You see, whether I knew it or not (in this case I didn’t) my reason for asking was actually for me, a selfish reason, to know how he felt about me before saying how I felt. That’s the first selfish move, but to me I thought I was being open and trying to lay the cards on the table. Silly me!
What I Learned From The Conversation;
1. I’ve been trying too hard to protect myself that I’ve actually made myself more vulnerable.
Do you realize that the moment you ask a guy to tell you what his deal is or use lines like “what are we doing?” or “what are your intentions?” you have actually showed him your hand and given him the advantage? At this point he already knows you are into him and so he can say what you want to hear or just be truthful.
2. In trying to protect myself, I ask questions which only help confirm whether the subject is a good or bad fit. This is when the selfishness sets in.
When we are getting to know a new person we are prone to asking questions, especially if they don’t talk much or we talk a lot (guilty :D) but if you do a critical analysis of our questions it will be seen that most are only to ascertain how good of a fit the subject is. When we ask, “what are your hobbies?” it’s not always because of a deep reason, but to see if he or she shares any interests with you or if the person likes the things you like without considering if we are a good fit as well.
It was like my eyes were seeing light for the first time. I was sober just thinking about it and all the things I could have done differently.
His advice to me in the end was, “Just be yourself Makcit” and I realized, again, that I’ve hardly ever been relaxed. How do I not over think things? How do i stop analyzing events and just focus on living for a change? I don’t have the answers yet, but I definitely intend to try.
Got any advice on how to just relax? I’ll be glad to hear it.